After he had spent the winter in Nicomedia, living in a depraved manner and being pedicated by[4] men, the soldiers soon began to regret that they had conspired against Macrinus to make him[5] emperor, and they turned their thoughts toward his cousin Alexander, who on the murder of Macrinus had been hailed by the senate as Caesar. For who could tolerate an emperor who received sexual gratification through every orifice of his body[6], when not even a beast of this sort would be tolerated? And even at Rome he did nothing but send out agents to search for those who had particularly large organs and bring them to the palace in order that he might enjoy their vigour. Moreover, he used to have the story of Paris played in his house, and he himself would take the rôle of Venus, and suddenly drop his clothing to the ground and fall naked on his knees, one hand on his breast, the other before his private parts, his buttocks projecting meanwhile and thrust back in front of his debaucher.[7]  He would likewise model the expression of his face on that with which Venus is usually painted, and he had his whole body depilated, deeming it the chief enjoyment of life to appear fit and worthy to arouse the lusts of the greatest number.

He took money for honours and distinctions and positions of power, selling them in person or through his slaves and those who served his lusts. He made appointments to the senate without regard to age, property, or rank, and solely at the price of money, and he sold the positions of captain and tribune, legate and general, likewise procuratorships and posts in the Palace. The charioteers Protogenes[8] and Cordius,[9] originally his comrades in the chariot-race, he later made his associates in his daily life and actions. Many whose personal appearance pleased him he took from the stage, the Circus, and the arena and brought to the palace. And such was his passion for Hierocles that he kissed him in a place which it is indecent even to mention, declaring that he was celebrating the festival of Flora.[10]

[5.i] Ergo cum hibernasset Nicomediae atque omnia sordide ageret inireturque a viris et subigeret, statim milites facti sui paenituit, quod in Macrinum conspiraverant ut hunc principem facerent, atque in consobrinum eiusdem Heliogabali Alexandrum, quem Caesarem senatus Macrino interempto appellaverat, [ii] inclinavere animos. quis enim ferre posset principem per cuncta cava corporis libidinem recipientem, cum [iii] ne beluam quidem talem quisquam ferat? Romae denique nihil egit aliud nisi ut emissarios haberet, qui ei bene vasatos perquirerent eosque ad aulam [iv] perducerent, ut eorum conditionibus frui posset, agebat praeterea domi fabulam Paridis ipse Veneris personam subiens, ita ut subito vestes ad pedes defluerent, nudusque una manu ad mammam altera pudendis adhibita ingenicularet, posterioribus eminentibus in [v] subactorem reiectis et oppositis. vultum praeterea eodem quo Venus pingitur schemate figurabat, corpore toto expolitus, eum fructum vitae praecipuum existimans, si dignus atque aptus libidini plurimorum videretur.

[6.i] Vendidit et honores et dignitates et potestates tam per se quam per omnes servos ac libidinum ministros. [ii] in senatum legit sine discrimine aetatis, census, generis pecuniae merito, militaribus etiam praeposituris et tribunatibus et legationibus et ducatibus venditis, etiam procurationibus et Palatinis officiis. [iii] aurigas Protogenen et Cordium primo in certamine curuli socios, post in omni vita et actu participes [iv] habuit. multos, quorum corpora placuerant, de [v] scaena et Circo et arena in aulam traduxit. Hieroclem vero sic amavit ut eidem inguina oscularetur, quod dictum etiam inverecundum est, Floralia sacra se adserens celebrare.

During his reign Zoticus had such influence that all the chiefs of the palace-departments treated him as their master’s consort. This same Zoticus, furthermore, was the kind to abuse such a degree of intimacy, for under false pretences he sold all Elagabalus’ promises and favours, and so, as far as he could, he amassed enormous wealth. To some men he held out threats, and to others promises, lying to them all, and as he came out from the Emperor’s presence, he would go up to each and say, “In regard to you I said this,” “in regard to you I was told that,” and “in regard to you this action will be taken”. That is the way of men of this kind, for, once admitted to too close an intimacy with a ruler, they sell information concerning his intentions, whether he be good or bad, and so, through the stupidity or the innocence of an emperor who does not detect their intrigues, batten on the shameless hawking of rumours. With this man Heliogabalus went through a nuptial ceremony and consummated a marriage, even having a bridal-matron and exclaiming, “Go to work, Cook”[13]—and this at a time when Zoticus was ill. After that he would ask philosophers and even men of the greatest dignity whether they, in their youth, had ever experienced what he was experiencing—all without the slightest shame. For indeed he never refrained from filthy conversation and would make indecent signs with his fingers and would show no regard for decency even in public gatherings or in the hearing of the people.

He made his freedmen governors and legates, consuls and generals, and he brought disgrace on all offices of distinction by the appointment of base-born profligates. On one occasion he invited the nobles of the court to a vintage-festival, and when he had seated himself by the baskets of grapes, he began to ask the most dignified of them one by one whether he were responsive to Venus, and when the old men would blush he would cry out, “He is blushing, it’s all right,” regarding their silence and blushes as a confession. He then narrated his own doings without any cloak of shame. But when he saw that the elders blushed and kept silent, because neither their age nor their dignity was in keeping with such topics, he turned to the young men and began to question them about all their experiences. And when they told him what one would expect of their age, he began to be merry, declaring that a vintage celebrated in such a manner was truly bacchanalian. Many relate, furthermore, that he was the first to devise the custom of having slaves make jibes at their masters’ expense during a vintage-festival, even in the hearing of their masters, which jibes he had composed himself, most of them in Greek; several of these, indeed, are quoted by Marius Maximum in his Life of Heliogabalus. His courtiers, moreover, were men of depraved life, some of them old men looking like philosophers, who would do up their hair in nets, declare that they were living a life of depravity, and boast that they had husbands. Some say, however, that they only made a pretence of this in order that by counterfeiting the Emperor’s vices they might stand higher in his favour.

As prefect of the praetorian guard[14] he appointed a dancer[15] who had been on the stage at Rome, as prefect of the watch a chariot-driver named Cordius, and as prefect of the grain-supply a barber named Claudius,[16] and to the other posts of distinction he advanced men whose sole recommendation was the enormous size of their genitals.[17] As collector of the five-percent tax on inheritances he appointed a mule-driver, a courier, a cook, and a locksmith. When he went to the Camp or the Senate-house he took with him his grandmother, Varia by name, whom I have previously mentioned, in order that through her prestige he might get greater respect—for by himself he got none. And never before his time, as I have already said, did a woman come into the Senate-chamber or receive an invitation to take part in the drafting of a decree and express her opinion in the debate. At his banquets he preferred to have perverts[18] placed next to him and took special delight in touching or fondling them, and whenever he drank one of them was usually selected to hand him the cup.

[10.ii] Zoticus sub eo tantum valuit ut ab omnibus officiorum principibus sic haberetur quasi domini maritus. [iii] erat praeterea idem Zoticus qui hoc familiaritatis genere abutens omnia Heliogabali dicta et facta venderet fumis, quam maxime divitias enormes parans,² cum aliis minaretur, aliis polliceretur, omnes falleret egrediensque ab illo singulos adiret dicens, “de te hoc locutus sum,” “de te hoc audivi,” “de [iv] te hoc futurum est”. ut sunt homines huiusmodi, qui, si admissi fuerint ad nimiam familiaritatem principum, famam non solum malorum sed et bonorum principum vendunt et qui stultitia vel innocentia imperatorum, qui hoc non perspiciunt, infami rumigeratione [v] pascuntur. nupsit et coit, ita ut et pronubam haberet clamaretque “Concide Magire,” et eo quidem tempore [] quo Zoviticus aegrotabat. quaerebat deinde a philosophis et gravissimis viris, an et ipsi in adulescentia perpessi essent quae ipse pateretur, et quidem [vii] impudentissime neque enim umquam verbis pepercit infamibus, cum et digitis impudicitiam ostentaret, nec ullus in conventu et audiente populo esset pudor.

[11.i] Fecit libertos praesides, legatos, consules, duces, omnesque dignitates polluit ignobilitate hominum [ii] perditorum. cum ad vindemias vocasset amicos nobiles et ad corbes sedisset, gravissimum quemque percontari coepit, an promptus esset in Venerem, erubescentibusque senibus exclamabat “Erubuit, salva res est,” silentium ac ruborem pro consensu ducens. [iii] addidit praeterea ipse quae faceret, sine ullius pudoris [iv] velamento. postquam senes vidit erubescere ac tacere, vel quia aetas vel quia dignitas talia refutabat, contulit se ad iuvenes et ab his coepit omnia [v] exquirere. a quibus cum audiret aetati congrua, gaudere coepit, dicens vere liberam vindemiam esse quam sic [vi] celebraret. ferunt multi ab ipso primum repertum, ut in vindemiarum festivo multa in dominos iocularia et audientibus dominis dicerentur, quae ipse composuerat, et Graeca maxime. horum pleraque Marius [vii] Maximum dicit in vita ipsius Heliogabali. erant amici improbi et senes quidam et specie philosophi qui caput reticulo componerent, qui improba quaedam pati se dicerent, qui maritos se habere iactarent. quos quidam finxisse dicunt, ut illi fierent vitiorum imitatione cariores.

[12.i] Ad praefecturam praetorii saltatorem, qui histrionicam Romae fecerat, adscivit, praefectum vigilum Cordium aurigam fecit, praefectum annonae [ii] Claudium tonsorem. ad honores reliquos promovit commendatos sibi pudibilium enormitate membrorum. ad vicensimam hereditatium mulionem curare iussit, iussit et cursorem, iussit et cocum et claustrarium [iii] artificem. cum ingressus est vel Castra vel Curiam, aviam suam, Variam nomine, de qua superius dictum est, secum induxit, ut eius auctoritate honestior fieret, quia per se non poterat; nec ante eum, quod iam diximus, senatum mulier ingressa est ita, ut ad scribendum [iv] rogaretur et sententiam diceret. in conviviis exsoletos maxime iuxta se ponebat eorumque adtrectatione et tactu praecipue gaudebat, nec quisquam ei magis poculum cum bibisset dabat.

Even while a commoner he never made a journey with fewer than sixty wagons, though his grandmother Varia used to protest that he would squander all his substance; but after he became emperor he would take with him, it is said, as many as six hundred, asserting that the king of the Persians travelled with ten thousand camels and Nero with five hundred carriages. The reason for all these vehicles was the vast number of his procurers and bawds, harlots, catamites[24] and pedicators[25].

… He shaved his pedicators’[26] groins, using the razor with his own hand,

[iv] iter privatus numquam minus sexaginta vehiculis fecit, avia sua Varia reclamante quod omnia perditurus esset. [v] imperator vero etiam sescenta vehicula dicitur duxisse, adserens decem milibus camelorum Persarum regem iter facere et Neronem quingentis carrucis iter inisse. [vi] causa vehiculorum erat lenonum, lenarum, meretricum, exsoletorum, subactorum etiam bene vasatorum multitudo.

[vii] … rasit et virilia subactoribus suis ad novaculam manu sua, …