“WE MADE LOVE JUST LIKE EVERYONE DOES”
BY WOLF VOGEL

This is the ninth chapter of Secret Love: Eros between Boy and Man (2022), an anonymous translation of Wolf Vogel’s  Heimliche Liebe: Eros zwischen Knabe und Mann (Hamburg: John & Ernst, 1997).

Thomas is nineteen years old, and in his final year at gymnasium. He hopes to pursue a career in electrical engineering or data processing. He’s had a steady girlfriend for two years. Therefore, nothing out of the ordinary so far. But, for a period of five years, from eleven to sixteen years of age, he had a sexual relationship with a man some eighteen years older than him. Out of the ordinary?

Thomas: “For me, it actually wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. It probably would have been for those around me; but I don’t think anyone ever found out about it. Just think how the gossiping would’ve started if it had been discovered. And then it would probably also have reached my parents or one of my siblings. I suppose I knew it was something that really wasn’t allowed. But despite this, I’ve never regretted it, and I never felt I was in danger either. Certainly not during the later years. I didn’t even find what I did sinful. What I experienced and learned in the relationship was really special and quite beautiful. It couldn’t have been sinful or wrong. Anyway I was the one who brought it about. I still remember this part very clearly.

I was eleven years old, and it was springtime. I knew that Horst always hung around the edge of the forest with a pair of binoculars. I also knew that in the village, people were saying all sorts of things about Horst; that he was always skinny-dipping in one of the woodland ponds, and even lying about there naked and sunning himself.

One day, I rode my bike down to the forest, and there was Horst. Under the pretext that I was interested in birds and would love to have a chance to look through his binoculars, I struck up a onversation with him. All of a sudden I said to him: ‘What a shame you can’t see through the trees with a pair of binoculars, because I’m certain that one would be able to see lots of lovebirds in the woods.’ Horst didn’t skip a beat, recounting what he himself had already seen in the forest. Suddenly we were talking about masturbation. I still remember how I truly trembled with excitement, for this was the decisive moment. Horst asked whether I might have already done this once or twice myself. I answered in the affirmative, at which point he put his hands on my fly and said:‘ Let’s have a look.’ I had achieved what I set out to achieve, and felt within myself a sense of great triumph. Horst just said: ‘You can do it to me as well.’ With hands shaking I did so, and thus we had sex with one another for the first time.”

Q. How, at eleven years of age, had you already come to know about this in such detail?

Thomas: “From my older brother. I was about nine. One night we were horsing around with each other, when all of the sudden he took my hand, placed it on his penis, and said: ‘Play with it a little.’ I was a bit frightened, because his penis was so large and had so much hair around it. I’d already seen pictures of naked men, but the reality of it was something else entirely. But I found it quite thrilling; it was something with a certain air of mystery about it. My brother said it would be really great to play with it, and started playing with my penis in order to show me. This was the beginning of frequent sex-play with my brother, which went on for about two years. Then my brother started having sex with girls.

I always found it quite nice and exciting. And my brother always played with me for quite a while, to the point where I got an overwhelming sensation and said: ‘That’s enough.’ Later on, I came to understand this signified an ‘orgasm.’ There still wasn’t any semen at the time, but my penis was so stiff that it seemed to explode. I also knew nothing about sperm and such-like. I only found out about that when my brother and I did it in the barn one time during daylight hours. I was quite frightened when my brother ejaculated. He roared with laughter, and explained to me that this was even nicer than what I had experienced. Gradually I came to understand why my brother always took a handkerchief with him when he went to bed. From then on we always did our sex-play in the dark, so that our parents wouldn’t find out about it. A short time before my brother started going out with girls, and no longer wanted to do it with me, a bit of liquid also came out of me, and this was indeed even more delightful than what I had experienced up to that point. So, when my brother put an end to the sex-play, I quite deliberately sought out contact with Horst. As a substitute for my brother, actually. Therefore, at eleven years of age, I already knew much more about these things than other boys in my class. They learned things from me, and thought I was quite experienced. They never even asked how I came to know all this.”

Q. How did things proceed with you and Horst from there?

Thomas: “We always did it outdoors. Even in wintertime. Sometimes there was snow on the ground; then, Horst would sweep the snow away, take off his coat and lay it on the ground, and we would wrap ourselves up in it. Of course, in the summer, we usually stripped off all our clothes and made love in broad daylight. This was really quite dangerous, because we were not very well concealed. One time, someone did pass by. Horst quickly got on top of me, so it would look as if he were making love to a woman. But of course, that gave us quite a scare. Horst asked whether I wouldn’t rather come over to his house. He lived with his mother; but this wasn’t a problem. It’s crazy, but for various reasons I never did want to do this, and it also never did happen. And Horst didn’t press the issue.

We often sat at the edge of the forest, for hours, talking about whatever came to mind. Sometimes, nothing more than that happened; other times, it darn well did. Frequently, Horst got things going by saying: ‘Do you feel like doing it?’ When I said yes, we looked for a quiet little spot in the forest.

We made love just like everyone does, I believe, until we both climaxed. After a while we would return home. Horst has taught me how to make love in many ways—with the hands, the lips, and the entire body. I enjoyed it very much; and he, no less so. This was something completely different from the sex-play with my brother.I felt safe and secure, so that I was able to completely let go. Horst allowed me to discover where the lovely places on the body are, and what makes them so. It was different every time, and I always discovered something new. Anal sex was the only kind I was never interested in. Therefore, Horst never asked. He was always very caring, and put a lot of thought into how to make it as wonderful as possible for me; most of the time, he also asked me what I myself wanted. He focused on me completely, and because of that, I was always feeling guilty for having given so little in return. But he assured me that he found it especially nice when I was happy.

Sometimes, Horst tried to give me stuff. Sweets, ice cream, or a book or some such. But I never wanted that. I think this would have given me the feeling I was making a profit off him. But he wasn’t insistent about it. At that point, he’d hold me tight, kiss me, and whisper in my ear: ‘Okay, Tommy; what a dear boy you are.’”

Q. Did anyone know about these contacts?

Thomas: “No, no one; I’ve never even told my friends about it. After a while, I came to understand how risky this was for Horst, and him getting into trouble because of me or some carelessness  on my part was something I wanted to avoid at all costs. My friends and my parents probably knew that I was always hanging around with Horst on the edge of the forest. They probably thought I was really into birds, which I was happy to let them believe.

Horst never talked about me with anyone else either. Perhaps one time: When I was fifteen, another boy from the village was with him. This boy was a few years younger than me. He would not go away, and I had my heart set on cuddling with Horst: but Horst didn’t make any moves to get rid of the boy. Then it suddenly hit me: Horst might also love this boy. The idea was a great shock for me.

When the boy finally did leave, I asked Horst about this. He said: ‘Oh Thomas, you’re jealous! Listen: there’s really nothing to it. The boy comes here all the time. I’ve never told him anything about you. Maybe he would like to start something with me; but I don’t want to with him.’ I think this is the one and only time that Horst did not tell me the whole truth. In hindsight, this was probably the beginning of the end. I just could not stop thinking about that boy. No, something had obviously changed with Horst. But nevertheless. anyway, from this moment on, I found myself less interested in Horst, and more interested in girls.

Really, at that point, everything changed pretty quickly. After a couple months, I stopped coming entirely. And it’s already been three years now. I avoid Horst, and when I do happen to run into him, I say hello and quickly continue on my way. I actually find this really mean, and therefore, am ashamed of myself. At this point, he’s probably heard that I’m going out with a girl now. Of course, it had to come to an end sometime. But I continue to regard him as a great guy. I would never say a word against him. I had sought out contact with him myself; I’ve learned a lot from him, and he’s also given me a great deal. I believe that, in my relationship with Julia, I’ve drawn a lot on my experiences with Horst. In some small measure, I want to be for Julia what Horst has been for me.”

Q. So, it wasn’t difficult for you to develop contacts with girls?

Thomas: “No. Look: I’ve always had a good number of male as well as female friends. I do a lot of things with them. Horst was by no means my only friend. It was a different sort of contact, and I made love to him; with girls, no. At the beginning, I even found making love to a girl difficult. Horst knew me so well, and vice versa of course, that with him, everything went like clockwork. I was awkward with girls at first. It’s now quite lovely with Julia.”

Q. Does Julia know about your relationship with Horst?

Thomas: “No, no one knows about that. And I haven’t told her either. I don’t regard this as necessary. Moreover, it could become dangerous for Horst. Anyway, I’ve already left him in the lurch. I mustn’t do anything more to him. I might tell her after a few years have gone by, when our kids are bigger and she begins warning them about strange men with candy.”

Q. Later on, would you allow your son to make love to a man?

This question came as something of a surprise for Thomas. He hesitates, and then says: “Of course. I’d probably have to, wouldn’t I? I could hardly say no. In any event, I would give my son better sex education, and would certainly never tell him he mustn’t accompany strange men. But then, he must also know something about sex, and would also need to be around eleven years old. Above all, I would like to know what sort of man he is. I wouldn’t have any problem with a man like Horst. But at that point, I would hope that he would tell me about it, so that we could discuss it together. Because one is also quite lonely with his secrets all those years, although, they too hold thrills of their own.

But the biggest problem would probably be ending the relationship. Of course, in my own case, I just took off; but I do not see how one is supposed to do it otherwise. If you don’t break off the relationship, the other party has to do it. Nevertheless, the breakup is still constantly on my mind. I find my own behavior to have been basically mean, and this directed at Horst, who has always been so kind and nice to me. I would be glad to give my own children advice regarding such situations. Only—would they even take it?”